caught - Dog & Cat embrace


use paper clips & safety pins

duct tape leaves residue

funny dance - bug climb
I don't pray much
I pray my grandma will be okay
She is in the hospital
Infection and pulmonary edema, I imagine
I feel guilty I haven't visited in years
Need a better job so I can afford to visit family

frozen tears
wounded - Rothko "White Over Red" 1957
He'd mentioned that he might be completing on his college application, but I didn't really believe my boyfriend would rather work on his portfolio than be with me on New Year's Eve. That he might see me on my birthday. Might.

I didn't think that my best friend would totally flake on our plans, and opt to house-sit her sister's place by herself.

Didn't imagine my mom's surgery would have so many complications that I'm scared to venture far from home for fear that she'd bleed out before help could arrive.

Didn't consider that my other friends couldn't even try to accommodate me.

I've found myself holding back the tears all day, but on the dozenth rejection, they flowed freely.

One of my friends is going dancing some 35 miles away, and about an hour ago, did half say it'd be okay if I accompany him, but I just now received a voice mail from him saying he didn't want to take me dancing as long as I'm seeing someone else, saying that he didn't want to stir up trouble. Which is so ridiculous, I almost half laughed in my mind. Were I not so sad, I may have laughed aloud.

And I just received a text from another friend who is spending NYE with her hubby. They have a rare empty house and are going to spending it cuddling and watching movies and getting high together. It's so romantic, and I may have started sobbing internally.

mid day
caught - Dog & Cat embrace
wounding words

Today 12:20 pm Me : If you miss the bus, let me know I'm willing to go to El Monte
12:25 Him : I don't want or need charity
12:45 Him : And for the record I told you it was not a good weekend for me to come
12:51 Me : I don't know what to say
12:52 Him : What hurts me above all else is I tried to be intimate and sweet in the little bit of time I had left and as I was trying to manuver around while talking, you groaned loudly again
12:52 Him : Considering how little time we really had with one another
12:53 Him : It kills me that I have to wait on you to touch or caress me to know when it's an optimal time to do it
12:54 Him : In fear of being groaned at
12:57 Him : I tried making amends for the night before and we talked about it to a point because you just stopped me, you failed to really back up any claims against me, and I basically had to leave you alone for what little time we had before I had to leave
12:57 Him : I'll be honest I want to cry
12:57 Me : Before you said you wanted to kiss me, I was going to turn to face you and slip into your arms, but it seemed like you had something in mind, so I waited for you
12:57 Me : I love you
I love your kisses and caresses
In that second earlier, my body position didn't allow for weight to be put upon comfortably
12:58 Him : I'm so fucking hurt deep down
12:58 Him : Well it seemed otherwise
12:59 Me : I hanger trouble texting at your speed
13:01 Me : When I tried to reciprocate, but you didn't want to face me
You would have left with out even a tiny goodbye kiss had I not followed you out and tugged on you
13:01 Him : I know I was being an asshole the night before but come on man, I'm trying my best here
13:02 Me : It sounds like you want more from me, but I don't know what I can do or give that I don't already
13:02 Him : Whatever
13:04 Him : It seems like when I do it that you don't give a care in the world
13:05 Him : That I have to wait for you to reciprocate, however long that takes
13:05 Me : I often tell you I like your caresses and touches
13:05 Him : Didn't seem like it this weekend
13:05 Me : I feel like I often spontaneously kiss you and stuff
13:06 Him : You dont
13:06 Him : I feel like I do more of it than you
13:07 Me : I said I liked your hands many times this weekend
At Home Depot, the Chinese place, in bed
I kissed you lots on your side & neck & shoulder @ those places, too
13:09 Him : You told me to stop at the home depo and other places, you groaned many a time because I wasn't doing things or saying things you wanted to hear
13:09 Me : I cares your legs and shoulders and back and torso lots
I got out of the car at the bus station because I was so excited to kiss you hello
13:09 Him : Like this whole weekend made me feel like I was pressing fucking buttons
13:10 Him : Like I was the cliche little brother
13:10 Me : I'm not sure what you mean by pushing buttons or little brother
13:11 Him : .........
13:11 Me : I tried to tell you last night was fine last night even, but you didn't believe me
I don't think of you a annoying or a assjole
13:12 Him : Could've fooled me
13:14 Me : I feel like a broken record in asking what you want me to do or say or not do or not say that will help you feel my affection for you
13:14 Him : Not do those things
13:14 Him : It's so simple and obvious a concept
13:14 Me : So, when I'm uncomfortable, what should I do ?
13:15 Him : I dunno but groaning is really really bothersome
13:15 Him : I'm not here to police you on how to act
13:15 Him : Nor do I want to be
13:16 Me : So, what should I do when you groan ?
13:16 Him : When I groan, which is not nearly done half the time you do for the same reasons?
13:18 Him : I dunno, leave me be perhaps? I'll be more clear if I have to
13:19 Him : I won't just groan and say stop it nonstop with such a childish tone
13:20 Me : So, I'm childish now ?
13:22 Him : DidI say you were childish or that you use a childish tone under select circumstances
13:23 Him : Did I directly call you a child
13:25 Me : What goal do you have here?
13:26 Him : Don't deflect
13:27 Me : I would like for us to be successful in love
I want to be giving and ensure you feel good
13:28 Him : I would like that too
13:29 Him : I'm trying incredibly hard to be a good boyfriend
13:30 Me : I'd like us to feel comfortable talking
In Person
And not storm off, nor pout, nor shut down and not talk, nor try to prove the other is wrong
13:30 Me : I want us to collaborate more
13:31 Him : Are you implying thats all I ever do?
13:32 Him : That I pout, shut down, and try to make you feel wrong?
13:32 Him : Because that's super insulting
13:33 Him : And it hurts me more
13:33 Me : I'm not implying that I said us
I want us to not revert to those things
13:34 Him : I'd like to tell you how I feel without it getting twisted and mistaken for something else
13:35 Him : I want to be honest with you without any other distractions or topical changes
13:36 Me : I'd like to be able to ask about or seek codification about how you feel with out being told I'm dense or ” it's obvious”
13:36 Me : *clarification
Text isn't working for me
13:36 Him : I have never called you dense
13:37 Him : Where the fuck do you keep getting it that I'm at all implying you're dense
13:37 Him : Where
13:37 Him : Because it seems like a recurring issue
13:38 Him : Implying/calling you dense
13:39 Him : If anything, one thing you'll do is imply that some fact about something is different and inquire it to great lengths
13:41 Him : And I talked to you about it in the past
13:43 Me : So my desire is wrong ?
13:44 Him : Your desire to inquire in the way in which you do it, yes it's pretty intrusive when it happens
13:45 Him : But I don't know what you mean by your desire
13:48 Me : It's so simple and obvious a concept
13:48 Him : Hahahahahaha
13:49 Me : That's a quote from you a few mins ago
13:49 Me : I'd like to be able to ask about or seek clarification about how you feel or what you're saying with out being told I've missed the obvious
13:49 Me : I do not want to make you feel like I'm being intrusive
13:50 Me : My intent is to understand better or find solutions for things of concern or conflict
13:52 Me : Earlier you said you're trying hard to be a good boyfriend, which causes me to think that maybe you feel like I don't think you are a good boyfriend
13:53 Me : So, what I can I do to show you I like and love you ?
13:53 Him : That was more than a half hour ago
13:53 Him : Honey it gets tiring to have to explain every little thing
13:53 Him : And don't say its not often because it is
13:54 Him : There is nothing J can do to alleviate the confusion you have over many things because I don't want to always have to tell you the meaning behind every little thing
13:55 Him : I don't mind it normally but in repetition it's arduous
13:55 Me : So it is
13:58 Me : I don't know how I can simultaneously be too inquisitive and interested in your meanings , and also not give a care in the world
13:59 Him : There are some things I'm more privy to understanding than you, which is fine and understandable
13:59 Him : But its so much sometimes
14:00 Him : And lest we forget how I'm not the most sociable with my emotions
14:00 Him : That I have to remind you how it doesn't come as naturally to me as you may want it
14:01 Him : I don't mind your curiosity, but honey sometimes you just have to look and listen
14:03 Him : I say you don't care because this weekend I couldn't help but feel like a novelty of some sort despite my protests that I wouldn't want to be in your way with all the crazy shit going on
14:08 Me : Sorry my life is too full of crazy
14:16 Me : I thought you were helpful and nice
My mom appreciated your efforts and assistance
14:17 Me : I don't know what it feels like to be a novelty except in terms of newness or in reference to a toy
14:18 Me : I felt like you helped
And were not under foot nor slowing anything down
14:19 Me : I wish life were different
But my mom and I cannot change what occurred, we can only try to clean up the mess
14:21 Me : I am sorry if you felt pressured to visit, rather than my intent of reassurance that you would not be in the way, and would be welcome
14:21 Me : I do care
And I will try to pester you less
And let my curiosity sleep like a cat
14:30 Me : I would like to say that I hope our relationship is growing and feeling like a safe place where we can productively speak up about disappointments or anxieties
14:32 Me : I would like our individual negative feelings or unmet needs to not trigger conflict or drama, and neither of us would dismiss the other
14:33 Me : I apologize if it felt like I didn't think your concerns this morning were worth hearing or discussing
14:35 Me : I apologize for assuming you had a plan with regard to physical affection earlier
And hope my future caresses and kisses will be more noteworthy or memorable
14:37 Him : Well it just seems like you're sorry I know you or that you're the way you are
14:37 Me : I do want you to feel appreciated I do want to help fulfill your needs I want to have my love felt
14:38 Me : ug
text isn't working for me
I'm trying to express myself but this is awkward
I'm going to lie down, my cramps are bad
14:38 Him : Well I'm not entirely too sure how to express I love you without overstepping a boundary
14:39 Him : Why our relationship is feeling like it just started is beyond me
14:40 Him : We're still making boundaries clear and still not feeling it entirely with my caresses and the like
14:41 Him : That I'm giving it to you right and giving enough
14:42 Him : It hurts we still have to make these limitations
14:42 Him : I can't really talk but that's what's hurting
14:44 Him : I don't want claims like I'm not being a proper boyfriend and the like popping up in the heat of the moment because there are things I don't do right or wrong
14:45 Him : I don't want you misinterpretting what I say and taking it at your rendition of face value
14:45 Him : Because it ends up meaning/being something else entirely
14:46 Him : And feels like you're putting words in my mouth
14:47 Him : I don't want it to feel like I'm asking to turn yourself as a person all around just for my comfort
14:48 Him : I want to touch, caress, and fuck you but not when the timing is ill which happens a lot believe it or not
14:49 Him : But I don't want to wait for permission like I'm waiting for paperwork authorization to go through
14:51 Him : Or rather initiate on I'll terms
14:51 Him : Ill
14:52 Him : It pains me we have to be like this
14:54 Him : I have my not so cool moments but I'm giving my all with you because I want nothing less than for you to know every day that somebody out there thinks you're smart, gorgeous, and sweeter than sugar
14:54 Him : And irs not your mother
14:57 Him : Despite that it's difficult at times, that person gives 110% to you
14:59 Him : I've nothing more to say on the matter

15:05 Me : Enjoy the party
15:06 Him : Wow, really?
15:06 Him : Just
15:06 Him : Wow
15:09 Him : Maybe I should try exceedingly less or not at all then
15:12 Him : Maybe I should just be on my phone all the time when we're together and pay you no attention because clearly my feelings poured out to you mean nothing currently
15:12 Him : Its okay for you to do it bur when I do it, you just basically say "okay" like you do to most things
15:19 Him : Oh fun, you've either abandoned your phone or opted not to talk to me anymore
15:46 Me : You say you feel like the way you want to express love crosses a boundary so, there are things I do that cause you to feel like some of the things you do aren't happily received.
There have been things you do that cause discomfort, sometimes an accidental elbow, sometimes pawing me all over very quickly
I do like your hands
And I do not always like all the things they do to me
I can think of a few things my hands do that have caused you discomfort. I have adjusted the way I tickle you. I do not poke anymore. I do not tickle as much as I'd like because you've said you don't like it. I respect your preferences and have compromised to accommodate you
You, too, I think have done so for me
I think this is good and nice and beneficial for us
15:50 Him : That still doesn't change how nonchalant your response was but whatever, I'm going to go fuck off for now
15:50 Me : I tell you I like your caresses
I did so many times this weekend
So, are you saying my telling you, when you are caressing me that I like and am enjoying it, isn't enough?
15:51 Me : Why do boundaries and stating where and when each of us is uncomfortable bother you?
15:56 Me : I do not remember saying anything along the lines of you not being a proper boyfriend
I don't think I know what it means to be a proper boyfriend
15:58 Me : I would like to think we've mentioned the different aspects of dating that makes us happy, and to me, fulfilling those and joining together is what makes a proper partner and friend and lover
16:05 Me : about the seeming lots of ill timing for touching, caressing, and fucking ... maybe a couple thoughts
I do feel wanted by you
I hope you feel wanted by me
I feel like I touch you often and for a long time
Maybe you want different caresses, or maybe more explicitly sexual ones
Waiting for permission is kinda super important
Consent is a big deal for me
Just like I don't try to push myself on you when you're not feeling it
16:07 Me : I'm going to go lie down again to ride out this being drawn and quartered feeling [referencing my cramps]
16:32 Him : Well better than feeling accessorized, I'll tell you that much
17:09 Me : I can't imaging that sensation
I think of scarves and belts when I hear accessorize

Cute then ugh
caught - Dog & Cat embrace
I love the little things my boyfriend does, and all the favors we ask of one another and that we never cash in

And it's cute, til he whines when I want to go to asleep when it's after midnight

dead of night
caught - Dog & Cat embrace
Words wound

08/27/14 Him : Guess what we're watching this weekend
21:25 Me : ... Louie ?
21:26 Me : Oh, saw the pic
It didn't load at first
21:26 Him : Do you have corn in your eyes
(I started replying to his first message as his second comes in) 21:27 Me : Um
Only if...
... Oh hell no, Corn ?
21:27 Him : What sort of bone you picking with corn, little lady
21:28 Me : Thought your corn in eyes was not nice
21:29 Him : Corn is nice, what are you talking about
21:47 Me : I am fairly certain I'll be going to Malibu tomorrow evening I'd like to stay with you tomorrow night If you'll have me
21:50 Him : I'd love to have you but I'd also like to go to the open mic

We talk over the phone.
I learn the open mic starts around 7. Him insists that we cannot meet up at the open mic after I get out from my 7:30 appointment. Something about it being too far and traffic making it not worthwhile. I look at a map. I try to tell him that four extra miles isn't a deal-breaker, and the Hollywood spot might be easier to get to than his place because I can avoid the 1 and the 10 altogether, but, no, he insists. And then gets annoyed that I don't believe him, and do not seem to be listening.

He keeps mentioning that it'll take forever to get from his place to the open mic, and doesn't seem to hear me. He asks my preference for the evening. I tell him "meet you at the open mic, I guessing at about 9:30 and stay til 11 or midnight then go to your place." He says that's not an option since it'll take more than an hour to get to Hollywood (despite my reminding him that I do not have to take the route from Malibu to his place to Hollywood), and that we'd be leaving way too early making it not a worthwhile hang out since he normally stays til 2 or 3 am. The latter stumps me since I do not think of four or more hours as a brief meet-up, nor do I think an hour or more with me is too little with his friends.

I say I cannot stay til 3 am, I'll be too tired to drive, plus I have work the next day, so, we'd have to compromise and that a couple hours at the open mic will have to be good enough. I think I either didn't clearly state the couple of hours was the max time I could spend there, meaning that time chunk didn't specifically restrict him in any way.

I think he interprets that I'm saying the couple of hours time should be good enough for him with me in general, when I meant that's as much time as I could reasonably spend there. He goes on a tangent about things being good enough. He sounds insulted. I am confused.

I forget what else was said, except he asks again about my preference for the evening. The only options according to him were (1) either he doesn't go to the open mic and we get together at his place, (2) he goes to the open mic and I go to my home after my appointment. I tell him I think we can meet up at the open mic, and it'll be fine, and that we can sort it out more during the day. I tell him I'd have a couple hours and could hang at his place before I have to be in Malibu. I say, I need to sleep, since I had work in the morning, and we peter off.

Somewhere in the mix of the conversation, he said I'm telling him how he feels or something similar, and I tell him he's mistaken. The exchange lasts a while, and is also a somewhat common theme in the things he dislikes that he says I do. Asking if a person is maybe feeling X (because they are sounding that way but have not explicitly said so) is not the same as stating You Are Feeling X and Y, or any of the "you're too dumb/immature to recognize it" judgements. Checking in or being sensitive or mindful of a person's emotions or encouraging the sharing of thoughts is a far cry from presuming to tell the other what is being felt or telling her/him what s/he actually feels is incorrect or otherwise being controlling.

The exchange reminds me of a few other recent ones with a similar theme of proving I do not do something (steal Helen's keys, ate all the ice cream, and so on).
I post to FB "if only proving a negative was possible
"The ease of life and improved interpersonal relationships we'd all experience

23:43 Me : PS I love you
And would love to be able to hang w/ your friends the entire evening ; and am wishing my meeting was earlier ; and sleep could be avoided ...
23:43 Me : ... and teleportation was real
23:43 Me : Good night
23:45 Him : Cool, let's talk about it Facebook while being as vague as possible, all while making light of the fact that your fucking boyfriend wants to spend more time with you than you just picking him up after a 15 min meet and greet after traveling fucking near 40 miles on a day and a nightcap where you'd just leave early in the morning despite having the weekend to look forward to
23:52 Me : Honey I do want to spend more time with you, as well
And you want to spend more time with your friends
And I want you to spend more time with your friends and we have to find a compromise if we want to have all those things
Like I said, I can be at Helen's as late as 1, which means leaving your place by 1215, I think
And I was not making light of your desire to be with me I was wishing for the impossible
23:56 Me : You say I tell you how you feel and I do not
And proving something I do not do is impossible just like it's not possible to prove I was not making light of you, nor us, nor this conversation
23:58 Him : Well, I've made my wishes known and your need to post about our shit on Facebook, as vague as it was, saddens me. I would never (nor have I) do that to you because I love you enough that I wouldn't embarass us both like that. Everything else pertaining to us being posted is not problematic; I ask that you keep our shit, our strifes, our issues off social media
23:59 Me : I hope, someday soon, you'll believe me when I say I'm trying to connect with you, and find out what you're thinking or wanting or feeling
And I'm not trying to manipulate you into feeling something, nor thinking something, nor putting words in your mouth
I ask
I wait for you to volunteer your thoughts
08/28/14 0:00 Him : Fine you asked for it
0:00 Him : I'm feeling fucking mad that you had to post about it on Facebook
0:02 Him : I'm fucking slightly annoyed that you won't tell me what of the other alternative options suits you best and that instead you'll just message me all very Impromptu-like
0:02 Me : My thoughts on FB were about proving a negative
About something not specific to you and I
It's a quintessential conundrum
0:02 Him : It bugs me when you say things like "I think you're probably x or x right now"
0:03 Him : The only real reason why you posted that was because of our phone convo
0:03 Him : You know it as well as I do they hold a strong relationship
0:03 Me : You are mistaken
0:03 Him : Fine then I fucking guess I am
0:05 Him : Any more little things that I am or am feeling because I can go all night just reading it
0:05 Him : Nothing would keep me so consistently aggravated at the moment
0:12 Him : It all falls under the same fucking category, dear; you're giving me all this crap about what you hear and what you feel is happening
0:12 Him : When really like I have mention at least three other times how much that shit bothers me
0:12 Me : Hm
So my thoughts are not worthwhile ?
0:13 Me : You'd rather I disregard any sign of emotion from you ?
0:14 Him : You're thoughts aren't worth while if you're guessing the emotion
0:14 Me : Well, why do you suppose I do that ?
0:14 Him : I'd rather you not ask or mention specifics
0:14 Him : Because I don't tell yoi
0:15 Him : And I don't tell you because I don't generally like talking about my feelings
0:15 Me : Yet, vague things that may or may not pertain to you bug you as well
0:15 Him : Stop denying it
0:16 Him : You can fucking meander me and call me paranoid but I'm not fucking retarded
0:16 Me : What suits me for tomorrow is not something I can determine right now
This exchange
And attack from you
Is filing my heart with sadness
0:18 Him : More like a retaliation against an immature and hurtful act that fills my heart with sadness
0:19 Him : And continuous little guesses that make me increasingly sad that I can't easily talk about my emotions to the point where you have to get them out of me by guessing
0:20 Me : Your issues with yourself seem to be causing rifts between us
0:21 Him : I'm not the only one with issues but it seems that way
0:22 Me : I have issues, too
As I've said before, I'm not very adept at identifying what I'm feeling or what others may be
0:22 Me : I have laid off the questions, as you requested
0:23 Him : Are you implying that we split until I can conquer my own issues?
0:23 Me : No darling
0:24 Me : I'm hoping you can or will want to try to talk about yourself as easily as you do characters
0:24 Him : That's what any sane person would do to with me
0:24 Me : Nice way to insult me
0:26 Him : Nice way to tell me my issues cause problems for us both
0:28 Me : Honey
Your issues
My issues
Our issues
Of course they cause bumps and disagreements and awkwardnesses
0:26 Me : Earlier, when you mentioned corn in the eye, I thought, jeez, auto sarcasm and not giving the benefit of the doubt
0:28 Him : It's not just me goddamn it
0:28 Me : ...but I also thought to myself, 'lighten up'
0:29 Him : Your issues seem to cause rifts between us was pretty visceral if ask me
0:30 Him : Another thing that makes me upset. Fucking. Amazing.
0:31 Him : Makes me feel so much like I'm doing a decent enough job at this boyfriend job
0:32 Me : I feel like text is garbling what I'm trying to say
0:33 Me : And probably what you're trying to say, too
0:33 Him : No I think it's saying just what you're trying to say
0:33 Him : And its saying what I want to say
0:34 Me : Cause I had to read your previous message a few times to get that you're being sarcastic about feeling like you're doing a decent job
0:35 Me : And I don't know what you mean by ' another thing' that upsets you
0:36 Him : It's as clear as day what upsets me
0:36 Him : In correlation to my expressing of feelings
0:38 Me : I don't know if my telling myself to lighten up was the other thing
The thing that also seems to annoy you: my 'lack' of humor
0:40 Him : Hahaha okay
0:42 Me : I might cry myself to sleep and I worry that'll make you glad, like I got my comeuppance
0:43 Him : You know what, forget it
0:43 Him : Forget all of it
0:46 Him : I'm sorry all of this makes you cry, but I've had my fill for tonight so I'm done trying to argue
0:46 Me : I'm sorry I said things that upset you
0:47 Me : I'm relieved you're not feeling like retaliating anymore
0:48 Him : I'm going to bed and probably going to the thing tomorrow. I will be at home most likely this weekend. You are free to join me whatever days whenever.
0:49 Me : I've been trying to keep a stiff upper lip but two tears fell
0:49 Me : I don't know what to do
0:50 Him : Stop crying and stay bold that's what
0:50 Him : I can't be there to always wipe away the tears and it tears me inside when I see you like that
0:51 Him : I'm sorry if I'm a dick but that's what it's like
0:51 Me : Stay bold ? You think I'm bold ?
0:52 Him : You can be if you work on it
0:54 Me : See, in you being a dick and that's that, I disagree
Attitude and behavior is often a choice
Like you say, ' if you work on it' Choose to be more than a dick
0:56 Him : What I'm really saying is while I look like I'm being an asshole, I'm being as blunt as possible and can be easily misconstrued as being an asdhole by many
0:56 Him : The only reason I said that was because I'm empathetic and self conscious
0:56 Me : Yet you loathe my bluntness
0:57 Him : Stephanie
0:57 Him : It is fucking 1am
0:57 Me : Honey I'm on your side

My phone's screen freezes up and I cannot text, nor make a phone call til I restart. The following messages I see once my phone is back on, just before I call him.

0:57 Him : I love you
0:57 Him : I'm tired
0:57 Him : I want to stop fighting
0:57 Him : I'm sad
0:57 Him : I'm annoyed
0:57 Him : I'm very hungry
0:58 Him : I want to do something more meaningful than continue to fight
0:58 Him : Like protest for world peace
0:58 Him : At 1am in my pajamas
0:59 Him : Just stop all of this shit, wash up, and go to sleep so you'll be somewhat awake during your long day
1:00 Him : If you don't I'm not answering my phone
1:00 Him : I am done for the night

We speak over the phone.
Clear up some of the miscommunications and hurt feelings.

08/30/14 16:03 Him : I'm still feeling sad over the other night and all the things I said to you
16:03 Him : But I want to work and resolve it with you
16:04 Him : As you want to do
16:04 Me : Good
I feel like I wasn't as sensitive and compassionate as I'd like and you deserve
16:05 Him : I just want you to know that I love you, haven't stopped loving you, and I farted one time very silently when we cuddled last weekend I think
16:05 Him : And the last thing I want is for you to feel neglected

fun with the beau
caught - Dog & Cat embrace
Watching Louie CK naked.

comical - "Grimacing Man" Leopold Boilly
Obstacles galore in petty places -- post office, printer passwords, one day late on returning an item
The 98-year-old I assist giving me attitude: "Do you want some water?" "That is what we drink, isn't it?"
Boyfriend nonsense. I ask about his boys night, if it was enjoyable, he says, "theoretically." Then, nothing else.
I tell him, "I thought you might give more info or a non riddle answer" and he says, "How long have we been dating now"
And I think, "ug, too long if that's all I'm going to keep getting from you."
Which is totally counter to how he jumped down my throat last month, "Why is that your go to is that I'm joking and not looking for a straight answer and takes a second to give" and "Like you do not intend on taking me seriously"

again with sullen slience
caught - Dog & Cat embrace
Things would be easier (I tell myself) if I had my own place.
He rummaged through the refrigerator for butter to fry an egg; after I'd told him I wasn't sure I had any and I'd have to dig around for it; and he found some and said he'd do the digging for me; and he was opening a brand new package; and I didn't even know it was mine; and I said, "seriously?" (which is thinly veiled code for "I can't believe you just did that")
And this was Monday.
And we'd had a mostly lovely weekend, even when he forgot his wallet when he was going to head home on Sunday and had to go back to my place from the bus station and decided to stay another night.
He was withdrawn at bowling Saturday night with his friends. They asked me what was up with him. He wouldn't talk to them. Declined a milk shake. The night hadn't gone as planned (restaurant spot flip flopped, arrival delays, dinner payments stiffed, game house closed early, spontaneous bowling activity replacement was more than twice as much as he anticipated), and he didn't handle it well, stopped talking, basically crossed his arms and sat in the corner, and barely went through the motions of the activity the. entire. hour.
Monday, he didn't say a word after butter, not on the drive to the bus station, not any of the very few times I tried to strike up conversation, and not as he got out to go. He kissed my cheek and got out.
And we haven't exactly spoken since.

Monday night, he texted a 'heart' -- it was how the frozen potato shreds fell into his pan; he saw a heart in it, snapped a pic to send to me. I had to stare at it a little to see.

If I had my own place (I tell myself), I'd be more relaxed.
I suspect, though, he would be too, and that might drive me a little bonkers. He already leaves his clothes on the ground for me to step on and trip over at his place and at mine. I'm cool with most chaos, but I cannot stand crap on the ground; "but it's clean" he says; even worse, I say; his floor is definitely not clean; his shoes are definitely not clean; now his freshly laundered clothes are not clean, too. And he does it at my place. And he'll sit on my clothes if they're folded or otherwise on my bed. And it drives me a little bonkers.
So, how would I feel if he were rummaging through my fridge for something I said I wasn't sure existed?
I'm afraid to find out.

bickering, spats, misunderstandings, drama
caught - Dog & Cat embrace
The cold shoulder is confusing.

more calender
caught - Dog & Cat embrace
Mar 29 - 31
Fri - after work, drive to Mr. C - friend's birthday in Santa Monica
Sat - shopping: shirt for next rental viewing - didn't pack for Sun's gig - pizza dinner - gaming documentary
Sun cinnamon bun waffles - rental viewing - back for Sun dinner - chill watch movie

Apr 4 - 6
Fri - drive to bus station to pick up Mr C - back to my place - PMS craving Taco Bell & Del Taco - Idiot Abroad & laughing
Sat - painting - afternoon delight sex - dinner at Peppertree - not what either of us expected, too noisy, family restaurant, babies crying
Sun morning wood - cinnamon bun waffles - Mr. C takes bus home

Apr 11 - 13
Fri - after work, drive to Mr. C - lounge and watch movies
Sat - Getty Villa - Mediterranean food - Getty Center - weird almost tiff - make love
Sun - breakfast in bed - rental viewing

Apr 18 - 20
Fri pick up from bus station - back to my place - Lowes errands with my mom, who bought Chinese take-out - stupendous sex
Sat - planting - friend's birthday in Eagle Rock
Sun - morning wood - planting - drive to bus station to drop Mr C before going to work

caught - Dog & Cat embrace
I have yet to finish going through so so so many things.
Boxes of photos from when I first had a film camera in high school.
Thousands of photos from my visits to Danmark in the previous century and in 2007.
Photos from the Rotary trip in Thailand two years ago.
And today my cousin posted a video summary from his vacation, while he still on vacation, saying, "I (finally) finished this video from our first month in Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos." He'll be there a total of three months and is about half-way through.

I'm overdue.

a superior and elite method of consuming ginger snaps
caught - Dog & Cat embrace
Basically, he's his own glass of milk

this past weekend
fight - "No Great Battles" Ziggy Comic
Mar 21 - 22
Mr. C takes the bus to near my new job assisting a 98-year-old and I pick him up from the station. We meet my mom at a soda shop in downtown and get a bite before walking the farmer's market with my doggie. He stays over. We have some mad dog amazing sex before falling asleep, then some awkward sex when we wake up (Mar 22), which causes him to become very withdrawn and start a sort of "I'm fine" mantra and says he needs to go.
I walk him to the bus stop and luckily we are there a while.
After some casual conversation and coaxing, he explains how woefully disappointed he is in the awkward sex and that he pretty much feels inadequate or that I am so much more experienced and that we should maybe take a break from sex.
I didn't want to have this conversation abruptly end with the arrival of his bus, which we didn't know was even running on the weekends, so I suggest we check the schedule online back at my place.
On the short walk to my house, I point out that I, too, was awkward myself and couldn't for the life of me figure out how to move comfortably while in reverse cowgirl this morning. While we talk, he feels better and seems to relax. I tell him I'm fine with taking a break from sex, but don't think we really need to do so. I suggest instead focusing more on continuing to learn one another's sounds and happy spots and spend more time on all the other good stuff, and if we end up having sex, then we do. If not, we're still good. It's how I feel generally anyway, but it seemed like a novel idea to him.
We find out the next bus is due to arrive in 45 minutes, so we make quick quesadillas and eat leftover pastries with my mom.
We miss the bus by a half-block, and I offer to take him to the station. He waits on the porch while I get my keys and my mom asks me to run some errands and basically tells me to take her car to drive him home. I can still sense a cloud overhead, so I agree, but don't tell him I'm driving all the way to his place, though he figures it out easily while we're on the road.
He'll soon take the test to get his driver's license, so I offer some practice time in an empty parking lot not too far from his place. I notice we have some interesting communication mix-ups because he's not that familiar with demonstrating driving terms.
At his place, I ask if we can cuddle and we have a really nice caressing and kissing sesh before I have to go to get back in town to see my friend's play.

calendar cont'd
trek - "The Journey" by Tilly Willis
Mar 1 & 2 - Mr. C came to my place, we cooked, watched a movie, told each other love, had awkward sex, slept over, made mega breakfast, drove to his place for Sunday family dinner, and awkward sex
Mar 7 - I drove to him, we went out for dinner, I drove to Griffith Observatory, neck in the car, and awkward sex
Mar 8 & 9 - we met at an art gallery, he drove home with me, met my bro in the morning, helped with some yard work, then I drove to his place for Sunday family dinner, and romance
Mar 14 & 15 - I drove to him, we canoodle a little, then drove to meet a mutual friend at a game cafe, and I slept over at his place because I was too tired to drive home, I left soon after waking -- Mr. C's father buys him condoms with the explanation that I could intentionally go off my birth control to get knocked up
Mar 16 - I drove to him, Sunday family dinner, we watch Wild Boyz, and awkward sex

a little sweeter each time
whimsical - cute Grandma
Seems like acclimation is the key for Mr. C's & my issue with being flaccid in the bedroom. He and I both need to continue to get accustomed to one another. Feel free to explore. Develop more familiarity. Know which sounds are signals for 'yes, there' and which are indicators of other preferences.

He's lovely.
Muthafuckin Adonis
Kind soul
Pillow lips
Considerate nature
Hot hands
Wonderfully goofy

Lucky me.

We went out unwittingly on our 2-month anniversary (Mar 7). We weren't paying attention to the calendar date as much as the day-of-the-week, Friday, until we were at BJ's and looking up movie times for the neighboring theater between delish pizza and cookie ice cream dessert.
By the time we got to the theater, we'd missed the show start by just enough to deter us from buying tickets even though we'd probably only missed previews.

Impromptu, we drove to Griffith Observatory and got to see Jupiter and the surface of the moon through telescopes. We stayed checking out the view of the valleys until they kicked us out. Then we necked in the car until the sheriffs caught us. Then we went to his place and had some awkward sex on the floor (he was worried that his bed was noisy and didn't want to wake his father).

Last night (Mar 8) Mr. C and I went to a gallery opening. I asked Mr. C to come home with me so he could meet my bro in the morning. My bro pit-stopped here before going on a road trip to Austin, New Orleans, and Nashville.
Mr. C helped with some brick buying and hauling (Mar 9), then we went to his place for Sunday dinner, watched a couple movies and felt each other up.

caught - Dog & Cat embrace
A few have been cycling around




You are an explorer. You are curious about the world around you and the way it works. You look at things closely, and often with a different perspective than everyone else. You’re quite unique, lucky you. Other occupations: researcher, teacher.


mint and bacon
wounded - Rothko "White Over Red" 1957
We had bacon and eggs and pancakes and cereal and orange juice for breakfast.
I have yet to attempt to coordinate when things are made so all the food is warm at the same time on the plate, but I'm cooking different kinds of eggs for the different preferences. My peas and eggs were kinda cold when I started eating them, and by the time I got to my pancakes, they were, too.

I've been munching on the left-over bacon as I try to sort out the events of this weekend. Luckily, my toothpaste flavor isn't clashing.

Mr. C came to my place yesterday (Sat, Mar 1).
Even though he said he'd call when the bus arrived, he didn't. And I'd correctly deduced the timing of the bus and was waiting in the little corner market parking lot adjacent to the stop. I'd given myself enough lead-time so I could buy some breakfast supplies at the market: bananas, milk, pancake mix, bacon. I saw him exit the bus, but he didn't see me and couldn't hear me through his head phones and I couldn't catch up. I'm glad I wasn't feeling well enough to run after him, though, because I'd left my keys in the ignition.

At my place, I encouraged him to take off the wet clothes so I could put them in the dryer, but he said he was fine.

I cooked and he helped.
We watched a movie.
He said some silly rhyme and I said "I love you."
Had some awkward sex. I zigged when he zagged and we both jammed sensitive spots and killed the mood and the hard-ons.

Plus I was starting my period, so there was a bit of discussion about the logistics and sensations and explaining the term 'earning red wings.'

Pretty much repeated the same awkward sex in the morning (Mar 2).
Then cooked breakfast. He made eggs and pancakes. Helped put away dishes.
More cuddling.
Then to his dad's for dinner.
Watched a movie.
He told me he loved that I knew what I wanted and wasn't afraid to ask for it.
And more awkward sex. This time, the droop was due to my requests for deeper and moving his jabbing thumbs away from my ribs and telling him to 'hold me tight and thrust away' combining with his sense of not knowing what to do and feelings of inadequacy.
He laid there and gave me the cold shoulder.
I asked why he wouldn't even look at me.
He talked. Was frustrated. Confused.
I cried.
Finally we talked.

He said he's not thinking when we're intimate and focused on 'hurry up and finish' and when I tell him his hands are hurting me or request a change of pace or angle, the change pierces his enjoyment (during, his affect seems trance-like, I'd say) and he looses his hard-on and that makes him think about trying to get it back and he loses it more and then gets frustrated and truly despondent.
I told him sex for me isn't about the orgasm. "Sure, The Big O is nice, but it's all the other stuff, you deep inside, the feel of your body moving, each sweet sensation that I really enjoy. If all I wanted was an orgasm, I'd just take care of it myself."
He has this interesting opinion that oral sex is something we resort to, as opposed to my view of something equally enjoyable.
I reiterated my earlier thoughts that we need time and experience with one another to develop a sexual rapport and knowledge of one another's sweet spots.
For instance, I learned he brought his fingers to my mouth because I seemed to enjoy licking them, that he only does that for me, and I told him I like grazing my teeth along his thumb, but the rest I did because I thought he likes it.
Hopefully a real break-through is on the way.

sweet thang
caught - Dog & Cat embrace
I've been under the weather.
Mr. C wanted to get together today, but I wasn't feeling up to meeting in the middle and wandering downtown. He's trying to reschedule a work thing so he can come here.

I told him I'm reluctant to suggest any more dates because all of ours have been my idea and planning, which makes me feel like he's not that interested in me / us.
He says he is very interested and will try to show it better.


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